gfbpqlhzvquvsg8exmvpWhat’s it all about?

In a bright and colorful future, a young destitute caretaker gets targeted by the ruthless son of a powerful family who lives on a planet in need of a new heir, so she travels with a genetically engineered warrior to the planet in order to stop his tyrant reign.

Dearie me IMDb, that’s mostly nonsense, as we shall discover below….

Why did I want to see it.

Oh c’mon, have you seen the trailer?

So, what’s it really about?

Ok, here goes. Jupiter Jones is the daughter of a Russian mother and an English father who was obsessed with astronomy (hence her name), to the extent that he was killed trying to stop Russian criminal types from stealing his telescope. Jupiter is born on a ship heading for the USA where she basically ends up cleaning toilets for a living. But it turns out that she is the genetic reincarnation of a member of the Abrasax dynasty who are enormously rich and own loads of planets and she is inconveniently in line to inherit a chunk of their wealth including the Earth. So Balem (Eddie Redmayne) tries to have her eliminated to stop that happening, but Channing Tatum (with pixie ears and lots of muscles and fantastic hoverskates) is sent to rescue her by one of the other Abrasax siblings (for his own not immediately clear purpose) and is helped by Sean Bean, though it doesn’t entirely work out as planned.

That’s only the first 40 minutes of a film which is 2 hours and a few minutes long.

What did I think of it?

I seriously loved it. It is totally and utterly potty but it looks so wonderful and everyone plays it so so seriously that you can’t do anything but enjoy it. But why so I hear you ask, many others have said that it is rubbish, tell us more.

They are wrong and here is why:

  • there is genetic splicing – Channing is part wolf, Sean is part bee (really, not kidding)
  • there are enormous spaceships careening across the universe
  • there are proper aliens including (but certainly not limited to) giant lizardy-dragon things with wings and long coats and big guns (they’re not very nice)
  • there is overacting to an extent seldom seen; apart from Eddie R (I will deal with him separately) there is a great deal of pouting and glowering and meaningful glances and flouncing (I’m sure there was flouncing)
  • (almost) everyone is double-crossing (almost) everyone else
  • there is a whole section that takes place in the inter-galactic bureaucracy which makes getting your passport renewed look like a doddle
  • there is a neat Terry Gilliam cameo
  • there are wonderful frocks, I mean really wonderful frocks
  • I like Mila Kunis, I wanted her to survive and she kicks quite a lot of butt though occasionally has to hang around while Channing gets his skates on to save her
  • Mila also does a lot of falling from Very High Buildings; she rarely screams though which is a Good Thing
  • Sean Bean *gasp* doesn’t die in this film (this is not a spoiler it is a public service announcement)

imagesAnd then there is Eddie, bless him. It is important to note that while I was watching Jupiter Ascending Eddie was at the BAFTAs and about to be awarded best actor for The Theory of Everything, well-deserved I’m sure though I haven’t seen the movie yet. Proper acting while playing part of a respected scientist struggling with a degenerative disease. Not flouncing around (told you there was flouncing) in long robes, being languid while barely suppressing rage and jealousy, virtually hissing most of his dialogue except for the occasional screaming fit. He had my favourite line of the film – “I will harvest that planet tomorrow before I let her take it from me” – and was just gloriously over the top in the best pantomime villain tradition. I adored him, he was a delight.

You can probably tell I had a thoroughly enjoyable time watching this. I will be buying it on DVD and will come back to it regularly I think because it is just so crazy.

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