MV5BNjExODg3MDUzNl5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwNjExMjE3NzE@._V1_UX182_CR0,0,182,268_AL_This is the last of my catch-up reviews. It’s entirely possible that I have saved the “best” for last…….

Watched: 19 June 2016

What’s it all about?

Mortal hero Bek teams with the god Horus in an alliance against Set, the merciless god of darkness, who has usurped Egypt’s throne, plunging the once peaceful and prosperous empire into chaos and conflict.

Why did I want to see it?

Like Dragon Blade, this was one of those mad-sounding films that my husband cannot allow himself to ignore, and I promised, despite anything that might transpire, that I would go with him. This was before the film disappeared from its original release date in the early spring. I should have known then…..

What did I think of it?

I started off by thinking that I had no words, but would have to find some otherwise this would be the shortest review I’ve ever written.

I think my initial reaction (shared on Twitter) was along the lines of “Oh. Dear. God.” Because this was bad, and I don’t mean the bad in a good way type of bad, but genuinely bad. And let’s remember that I have seen 10,000 BC where they used mammoths to build the pyramids. Anyway…..

On paper it must have sounded brilliant; let’s get Jaime Lannister to fight King Leonidas for control of a version of Ancient Egypt that must have been dreamed up while the writers were on drugs of some kind (surely that must be the reason?). They also clearly like gold, for there are lots and lots of shiny gold. And the Egyptian Gods are taller than the humans they are ruling, but exactly how tall is a bit of a mystery because their height does seem to change – full disclosure – someone (probably Mark Kermode) said that before I saw the film so perhaps I was hyper-aware, but it’s true – and possibly alien rather than actual gods though to be honest that is a minor point. Everyone speaks the same way except Gerard Butler, bless him, who sounds exactly like he grew up on the same council estate in Paisley that I did, and is clearly playing no-one other than Gerard Butler all the way through. There is a sappy human romance between a drippy girl and a charisma-free hero who delivers his lines like he’s in a pantomime (and I thought Brenton Thwaites was pretty good in Oculus, so this was disappointing) and should have an ‘r’ inserted strategically in his name.

And then Rufus Sewell turned up. I love Rufus Sewell but what on earth was he doing in this, apart from most of the acting and smouldering as per usual. Perhaps he needed to pay for school fees or a loft extension or something. Ditto Geoffrey Rush. And Chadwick Boseman, whom I simply loved as Black Panther in Captain America: Civil War, was camp in the extreme.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, they criminally wasted a (poorly designed) Sphinx.

The female characters had nice frocks though.

This was fabulously stupid. Really. And this from a person who loved both Jupiter Ascending and John Carter in defiance of almost everyone else, so I know whereof I speak.

No redeeming features whatsoever. Totally charmless. Ugh.